I ran a race today with my kids as a fund raiser for their school. It was not my weekend with them but they asked me to please run with them and of course I said I would. My youngest ran with me while the older two ran with their dad. It was a surreal day in a way. We were at an event as a family yet we were not an intact family. My ex was across the parking lot carefully avoiding me. I was on the opposite side of the parking lot carefully avoiding him. The children went between the two of us and their friends…used to the way our family functions in a family situation. In the 2 ½ years since the divorce was final I still cannot talk to my ex husband. I look at him and I see the look in his eyes and it reminds me that I made the right decision for myself and my children.
favorite quote was, “and you do this for FUN? like 5K times 9!??!”
And yet, I think about this run with my kids. I cannot remember how many races I went to support my ex husband. I stood in the cold wind of sugarloaf maine for the marathon…a single cheering squad for him. Numerous 5 k’s, and training runs I would be there for him encouraging and supporting him do something he enjoyed doing. Boston, I was at the half way mark with my grammie and then went to the finish to see him cross the line. Did I ever ask him why he ran? Maybe I did, and was shut down? I don’t remember. But it was something which we could have shared and had in common. There were so many things we had on the surface in common that we did not communicate about. There were so many things I tried to share yet was shut down with judgement, criticism and invalidating my emotions. When children entered the picture, the list of things we didn’t talk about grew longer and the distance between us grew as well. Today looking at him with the children, I know he is a man trying his best to be a good dad for his children. I know his strengths and weaknesses and I trust that he will always be a good dad to the kids. Knowing this and thinking this today makes me sad for the loss of the marriage I envisioned and wanted but did not have.
I think about the man I’m dating now. He too is a runner. He has run countless marathons and ultra marathons and unlike with my ex, we talk about all of the joys, difficulties and gross things of running. I remember being at a lovely restaurant at the harbor enjoying a delicious meal talking about where I had chaffed on that day’s run. He asked the questions as to WHERE and then talked about how he too had dealt with those issues. J I love that openness. We talk about our ex’s. We talk about what we love and what has made us sad. We talk about our jobs. We talk about our children and how we worry about them. We talk and share silly things, mundane things (laundry) but mostly we talk. With him, I feel that whatever I say, it is valued, accepted and safe.
I think that remembering today what I lost with my divorce is good. I think that divorce is like a death and like a death you get used to that person not being there but you still remember. Today seeing the anger in my ex’s eyes and his unhappy face, I remembered why we didn’t work. I have to remember how I tried and give myself a hug for being brave enough to get free. I have to remember my strength and happiness in where I am today. I have to be the healthy role model for good communication for my children. I hope in time, my ex and i can learn to talk to each other again. But for now, I have to be okay with email and texts. I think that remembering today makes me more determined to be a better mom, friend, person than ever. I am me and secure with who I am, where I’ve come from and where I’m going.
I heard this song today and I had to stop and play it again. I am so glad I am now allowed to be myself. There is peace in that. 🙂
Broken Wings Fly Again 